Reasonable Drought

Apologies for extended blogdrought. Busy.

Doing lots of this:


Interspersed with occasional bursts of this:

The Fighting Irish

Ruairi auditions for a part in the Gangs of New York remake:





And lying back, watched over by his guardian angels...

As Gary said - life is very simple right now

I've been sitting here like a soft lad this afternoon, tears running down my face, listening to this.

My heart feels too big for my body today. I’m so proud of my astonishing wife, and so much in love with our new little boy and our whole family.

Now we are five...

I guess I created a little name confusion over at BlogSprogs.

His name is Ruairi Michael O’Connor Clarke.

There's a conscious link to Ruairi O’Connor (Ruadrí Ua Conchobair]) the last High King of Ireland, but that's not the main reason we chose it. Up to the last minute, we still couldn't quite choose between Ruairi and Alexander - but all our new found friends in the delivery room and everyone we spoke to yesterday evening really liked Ruairi - so we went with the flow. And if he lives up to the promise of his 9lb 9oz, he’ll be a king amongst men, for sure.

We're all tired now, and all very much in love. Just popped in to see Lily and Charlie at Charlie's school carol service - two very excited little munchkins.

Sausage and Ruairi should be coming home tonight, God willing. They're both exhausted after 12 hours of labour (and an hour and a half of solid pushing), but eager to get home.

Thanks for all the messages from around the world – you’re good people.

More details (and photos) soon – off now to spend some time with the little prince.

/m

'ó dhia gach aon cabhair'

Here we go!

And so the second BlogSprogs countdown commences...

Leona and I were at the Obstetrician earlier today for our checkup.

We’ve discussed in the past various ways of helping things along a little, and we’re now actually scheduled to go into the hospital tomorrow morning at 7:00am to probably have Opus induced with a little intravenous Oxytocin.

We’ve been wrestling with this one for weeks, and have read everything we can find on the pluses and minuses of induced labor. I wrote about some of the complications Leona and I face in an earlier post, over at BlogSprogs.

As it turns out, we may not need to worry. At the examination today, turns out Sausage is already dilating, and she’s been having “cramps” on and off for days.

So, Charlie and Lily are heading off for a sleepover with friends tonight (great excitement all round – they’re probably more excited about their first sleepover than the intangible promise of a new baby in the house).

Our bag’s all packed and we’re ready for an early start. The doctor is confident that Opus is absolutely ready – and I know Sausage is ready.

She’s really suffering today after a rougher than usual night and an utterly rotten day yesterday. We were hustling through the normal off-to-school routine yesterday morning. As I got C & L into snow pants and coats, Sausage ducked out, despite my protestations, to scrape the ice & snow off the minivan.

Couple of minutes later I heard this sad little voice from the driveway – she’d slipped and crashed down hard on her bum in the packed snow, poor darling. She amazed me yet again, though – lying there in the snow, hurt and scared, unable to get her feet under her to stand back up. She smiles up at me and says: “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” :-)

As if that little trauma wasn’t bad enough for her, she called me later in the day from the car on the way to collect Charlie from school. She’d just been rear-ended by another car on the icy roads. No major damage or injuries, thank God. I love this woman so much - I can't imagine what I'd do if something happened to her...

Seems Friday 13th clearly came a little late to this household. Two such narrow escapes in one day. Yikes, indeed.

Tomorrow’s going to be a much, much better day. We know.

Come on, Opus! You can do it!

Neverending noodle

Let’s go for a moebian little trip through Lipton Chicken Noodle land again...

Trigger: email earlier today (or yesterday, I guess) from one Kevin Hayden, reminding me of my last noodle rant. (Kevin’s email was highly entertaining, btw, but that’s not the point).

For various reasons, too boring to blog, I was prompted by this email dialogue to drill into the Lipton website once again. Unfortunately, the original Lipton site link I’d posted no longer works, so I go hunting and find myself quickly disappearing down a salty, noodle-lined wormhole.

Step 1. I start at the main Lipton site here.

I’m looking for a listing of product ingredients – the sort of simple, useful info you’d think a consumer product manufacturer would post on their site.

Step 2. I see a link for ‘Products’ and duly click.

This ports me out of the Lipton site to a mighty portal of consumer joy titled ‘Homebasics’ – a listing of links to info about all sorts of household product names.

There’s a lot to get twisty about on this page. Lots of well known brand logos on display, but none of them set up as links.

And the little welcome message at the top of the page is enough to send me to the brink of instant apoplectic melt down:

“Homebasics is a new website designed for women like you - busy women with more things to do than time to do it. Homebasics is full of useful tips, seasonal ideas, insightful articles and delicious recipes.”

WHAT?! What the hell is this, the nineteen-frigging-fifties? For the record: as I actually enjoy it, and Sausage emphatically doesn’t - I do almost all the grocery shopping in this house, and most of the cooking. But even if this wasn’t the case, I’d still be startled by this astonishing cluelessness. I need a reality check here from any women reading this – am I overreacting?

Meanwhile – back to the point.

Step 3. One of the brands linked to is, of course, Lipton:

Lipton is the tasty and trusted family favourite. Visit www.lipton.ca for information, recipes and tips for your favourite Lipton Sidekicks and Soups.

Er...OK. I click the link.

You guessed it: GOTO STEP 1

I’ve scoured every obvious corner of this site. There is absolutely no way to find out anything about Lipton soups anywhere on the site.

There is a Lipton.com, btw – but that only includes info about their tea products. This also seems to be a mistake – the title bar actually reads “LiptonT.com”. I checked, and this other domain also exists, but both lipton.com and liptont.com resolve to the same cheesy Flash site.

FWIW, all of these products owe their allegiance to the mighty Unilever empire. As it happens, I really like Unilever – we use a lot of their products: Breyer’s ice cream, Hellmann’s mayo, Bertolli olive oil, Pears for Kids shampoos, Vaseline jelly for various babies’ bums, and Q-Tips (ooooh I love me Q-Tips...). They make pretty good stuff at a reasonable price and have some half decent marketing.

But whoever threw this recursive loop into their website needs their nose squeezed. Hard.

I could go on, but I think I already did, and I for one am bored already. Sorry. I did it again, didn’t I?

Premier BlogSprog Premieres

Welcome, Cameron Turner. December 16th, 2002 - 03.24 GMT. 7lb 3oz.

This is simply the most exciting news we've had in ages.

May she live as long as she wants,
And never want as long as she lives.
May she always have the comfort of
Warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to her door.

Hearty and heartfelt congratulations to Gary and Fiona. And to Cameron, of course.

Good morning, baby girl, thanks for blessing this cold day with your warmth; and blessing your wonderful parents who have been waiting so patiently and working so hard to get ready for you.

You couldn't have picked two better people with whom to spend your childhood. One lucky, lucky little girl.

We luv us some flyin'!

Email from the splendid John Perenack, titled "The future of advertising".

First part of that URL - omgwtf - says it all...

BlogSprogs takes off

Made #10 on the DayPop Top 40 yesterday.

As we continue to count down to the birth of these three blog babies, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of father I am. And the kind of father I hope to be. And the kind of father I think Charlie and Lily and Opus will think I am...

I'm circling back to one of the first things I ever posted here - an essay that paints a picture of the sort of parent I hope to become.

Long way to go to reach this level, but we're working hard at it.

This speaks for itself

W W W

curious

Walking from the car park to the Obstetrician's office earlier today. "Daisy Mart" corner store outside Toronto East General Hospital. Predictable collection of signs in the window – “Fax from here”, international phone card ads, “Yu Gi Oh” trading card posters, etc...

And then this, biggest of all the signs, right on the door:



Followed up - turns out there's an ad agency behind it. Smart.

Bloglint

Clearing out some of the backlog of links I've been meaning to point to for a while...

1. The ideal Active Desktop for the Ozymandias character in your life.

2. All forms of art are distinctively the product of their creator's personal environment - loaded with local references and freighted with cultural contexts. Yet they can still be accessible to people whose worldviews were shaped in and by far-distant lands. And then there's this.

BlogSprogs is up

Congratulations - it's a Blog!

So I've gone ahead and done it. Couldn't resist - one of those ideas that just wouldn't shut up until quenched.

I've set up the blog, tweaked together a half decent template (courtesy BlogSkins and the talented w4rnawarni, whoever s/he is).

It's hosted on Blog*Spot for now (with ads - ack). I've registered Blogsprogs.com too, and will point the blog to that in due course, once the thing's all tickety.

Which reminds, me - set the blog time to Zulu. All three families are in different timezones, AFAIK - so GMT seemed the most sensible choice. And Gary and Fiona's baby is probably going to arrive first anyway, so picking their time zone seemed to make sense.

Also picked the template for the embedded clock, btw. Cute.

To do: add comments, blogroll, all the usual extras and goodies...

Gary, Tom: let the bloggage commence!

Baby Pool

AKMA is running a pool on the date Gary & Fiona Turner's baby chooses to make his or her entrance. My call would be for December 15th at around 9:42 in the evening. Cold and overcast, with a light drizzle. Two pints of Irn Bru and a packet of crisps. 8lb 9oz. Dark haired with blue eyes. A boy.

Oh - and can I pick 'Michael' as middle name? Not sure why...guess I've just always liked the sound of that...

"Cameron Michael Turner" - boy or girl, it has a certain ring to it, dontcha fink?

This might be the sappiest thought I've ever entertained...

...or perhaps I'm onto something. As a follow up to the previous post, below, this thought occurred to me on the tube ride in to work this morning. Perhaps I can persuade Gary Turner and Tom Matrullo to join me in a Gangblog of sorts for our three respective babies. Call it 'BlogSprogs' or something of the sort.

Over the next few years, the three Dads could use it to post notes, thoughts, moments of reflection, pure sleep-deprived insanity, progress reports, that kind of thing - writing our tiny charges into being, as Weinberger put it, over the months and years ahead. Like a collaborative online version of one of those cheesy Hallmark baby books, but just way more fun (at least for us). Comparing the first smile, first solid food, first baby steps, first sinking feeling as we sign up for those second mortgages...

Of course, we'd really only be the temporary caretakers and guardians of this blog which we would, in due course, pass on to our growing children to continue the tradition. We'd be blog building a bridge between generations.

My hope is that our kids would grow up to cherish their unique and curious online friendship - three kids in three different countries, sharing their growing pains and personal triumphs through what might be the best vehicle so far invented for such a dialogue...

Am I honking mad?

See that "Comment" widget below - click it, let me know...

Blog Sprogs

There’s something in the air...or in our wives, at any rate.

I already knew Gary & Fiona Turner were expecting a baby any day now.

Thanks to Gary, I just found out that Tom Matrullo’s missus is also expecting imminently.

And tonight I arrived home to discover the lovely 39-week pregnant Sausage on her knees scrubbing out the kitchen cabinets. She’s evidently been cleaning, sorting and tidying all day.

As this will be our third time around, I’m pretty sure I know what this means. Nesting behaviour. Tonight could well be the night...

Wonder which blogger will sprog first?

I guess this means we’re actually going to have to pick a name – something we’ve so far been finding terribly difficult. The closer we get to this new one’s debut, the more comfortable I get with the ‘womb name’ we’ve been using so far.

You see, all of our kids have had womb names. The practice started with Charlie (now 5). We knew we’d call our first baby Charlie – regardless of whether he turned out to be she. But we didn’t want to use the name while he was in the womb, just in case something didn’t work out. So we came up with a womb name.

In Charlie’s case, we were looking through one of our many preggie books early on and happened upon a picture illustrating the size, at that stage, of the developing baby. It was a picture of a strawberry.

Charlie’s womb name, inevitably, became ‘Strawberry’. The fact that he was born with (and still has) lovely red hair, and that he has a huge appetite for fruits of all kinds, is just coincidental, I’m sure...

So when Sausage was carrying Lily, we also had to come up with a womb name, of course. Lily was a busy, busy baby – constantly twisting, turning and swishing around. Leona chose ‘Dolphin’ as an appropriate womb name this time.

Lily (now 3) has grown to be a complete water baby. She loves to swim – particularly underwater. We spent much of this past summer playing in the local open air pools, with Lily swimming underwater between Sausage and I. The kid’s totally fearless – ‘Watch me, Daddy! Watch me!’ *splash*

And now La Belle Saucisse has just about finished baking baby #3. This time, Charlie & Lily came up with the womb name: Opus.

We’ve gone through a stack of baby naming books and websites. Made lists, debated our favourites, polled friends and relatives. We’ve got a couple of names we’re pretty happy with, but you know...

I really kind of like ‘Opus’. Question is, would Opus like it?

BTW, with these synchronized steps towards imminent fatherhood across three separate but occasionally interlinked blogs, I’m tempted to make some really obvious smarm gags about there being more to this whole blogging phenom than meets the eye – but that would be genuinely lame (right, like that’s ever stopped me before...)

What Would Jesus Blog?

The good Dr. Weinberger leaps into the "What Would Jesus Drive?" debate with his own list of similarly outrageous and inappropriate questions to pose the Son.

Here's David's list, with my first stab at the answers. Sure you can do better...

Top Ten Questions Not to Ask Jesus:

1. How many clowns would have to come out of the car before Jesus would say "How the heck do they do that?"
None – he would already know both the number in the car, their secret clown names, how the heck they did it – and why.

2. Can we assume that Jesus' favorite Beatle is the one that dies last?
Probably. Which would seem to point to Ringo as most likely ‘Beatles Survivor’ in this case. The other bloke has a songwriting credit on Jesus’ least favourite track: “Hey Jude”

3. If Jesus were still a carpenter, would He measure twice and cut once or just go ahead and cut?
A: He’d just go ahead and cut. Not only that – he’d just go ahead and assemble the Ikea bookshelves without even glancing at the instructions.

4, How long could Jesus stay married to JLo?
A: I give him 9 months – tops. I mean, he may be the Son of God and everything, but no one can handle that kind of punishment for long...

5. If Jesus were dieting, would he cheat on his birthday?
A: Hmmm...I figure he’d go for blow out on the turkey, but politely decline the third round of After Eight mints.

6. Who would be Jesus' favorite post-WWII US president (besides Jimmy Carter, of course)?
A: Josiah Bartlett. All the rest have demonstrated various degrees of scumbaggery. And Bartlett gave “Dad” a really good ass-kicking in the episode where they buried Mrs. Landingham. I’m sure that scored major points with Junior...

7. If Jesus were gay — not that He is, of course. I'm just asking if — which of the N'Sync guys would He find the hottest?
A: If he were, which we’re not suggesting here for a minute, of course, I’m sure the answer would be none of them. Gay Jesus would favour a real man over one of those peroxide nances, any day.

8. If Jesus and Superman fought, who would win?
A: Superman, who would later succumb to crushing remorse at having conquered the Son of God and would vow to devote the rest of his days to even-more-than-usually charitable endeavours. Jesus would bounce back with a 'fooled ya' look on his face and punch Superman playfully on the shoulder.

9. What would Jesus choose as His PIN?
A: Duh-uh. 4674 (I.N.R.I)

10. Mac or Linux?
A: Stained Glass Windows™

What Would Jesus Blog?

The good Dr. Weinberger leaps into the "What Would Jesus Drive?" debate with his own list of similarly outrageous and inappropriate questions to pose the Son.

Here's David's list, with my first stab at the answers. Sure you can do better...

Top Ten Questions Not to Ask Jesus:

1. How many clowns would have to come out of the car before Jesus would say "How the heck do they do that?"
None – he would already know both the number in the car, their secret clown names, how the heck they did it – and why.

2. Can we assume that Jesus' favorite Beatle is the one that dies last?
Probably. Which would seem to point to Ringo as most likely ‘Beatles Survivor’ in this case. The other bloke has a songwriting credit on Jesus’ least favourite track: “Hey Jude”

3. If Jesus were still a carpenter, would He measure twice and cut once or just go ahead and cut?
A: He’d just go ahead and cut. Not only that – he’d just go ahead and assemble the Ikea bookshelves without even glancing at the instructions.

4, How long could Jesus stay married to JLo?
A: I give him 9 months – tops. I mean, he may be the Son of God and everything, but no one can handle that kind of punishment for long...

5. If Jesus were dieting, would he cheat on his birthday?
A: Hmmm...I figure he’d go for blow out on the turkey, but politely decline the third round of After Eight mints.

6. Who would be Jesus' favorite post-WWII US president (besides Jimmy Carter, of course)?
A: Josiah Bartlett. All the rest have demonstrated various degrees of scumbaggery. And Bartlett gave “Dad” a really good ass-kicking in the episode where they buried Mrs. Landingham. I’m sure that scored major points with Junior...

7. If Jesus were gay — not that He is, of course. I'm just asking if — which of the N'Sync guys would He find the hottest?
A: If he were, which we’re not suggesting here for a minute, of course, I’m sure the answer would be none of them. Gay Jesus would favour a real man over one of those peroxide nances, any day.

8. If Jesus and Superman fought, who would win?
A: Superman, who would later succumb to crushing remorse at having conquered the Son of God and would vow to devote the rest of his days to even-more-than-usually charitable endeavours. Jesus would bounce back with a 'fooled ya' look on his face and punch Superman playfully on the shoulder.

9. What would Jesus choose as His PIN?
A: Duh-uh. 4674 (I.N.R.I)

10. Mac or Linux?
A: Stained Glass Windows™

What Would Jesus Blog?

The good Dr. Weinberger leaps into the "What Would Jesus Drive?" debate with his own list of similarly outrageous and inappropriate questions to pose the Son.

Here's David's list, with my first stab at the answers. Sure you can do better...

Top Ten Questions Not to Ask Jesus:

1. How many clowns would have to come out of the car before Jesus would say "How the heck do they do that?"
None – he would already know both the number in the car, their secret clown names, how the heck they did it – and why.

2. Can we assume that Jesus' favorite Beatle is the one that dies last?
Probably. Which would seem to point to Ringo as most likely ‘Beatles Survivor’ in this case. The other bloke has a songwriting credit on Jesus’ least favourite track: “Hey Jude”

3. If Jesus were still a carpenter, would He measure twice and cut once or just go ahead and cut?
A: He’d just go ahead and cut. Not only that – he’d just go ahead and assemble the Ikea bookshelves without even glancing at the instructions.

4, How long could Jesus stay married to JLo?
A: I give him 9 months – tops. I mean, he may be the Son of God and everything, but no one can handle that kind of punishment for long...

5. If Jesus were dieting, would he cheat on his birthday?
A: Hmmm...I figure he’d go for blow out on the turkey, but politely decline the third round of After Eight mints.

6. Who would be Jesus' favorite post-WWII US president (besides Jimmy Carter, of course)?
A: Josiah Bartlett. All the rest have demonstrated various degrees of scumbaggery. And Bartlett gave “Dad” a really good ass-kicking in the episode where they buried Mrs. Landingham. I’m sure that scored major points with Junior...

7. If Jesus were gay — not that He is, of course. I'm just asking if — which of the N'Sync guys would He find the hottest?
A: If he were, which we’re not suggesting here for a minute, of course, I’m sure the answer would be none of them. Gay Jesus would favour a real man over one of those peroxide nances, any day.

8. If Jesus and Superman fought, who would win?
A: Superman, who would later succumb to crushing remorse at having conquered the Son of God and would vow to devote the rest of his days to even-more-than-usually charitable endeavours. Jesus would bounce back with a 'fooled ya' look on his face and punch Superman playfully on the shoulder.

9. What would Jesus choose as His PIN?
A: Duh-uh. 4674 (I.N.R.I)

10. Mac or Linux?
A: Stained Glass Windows™

What Would Jesus Blog?

The good Dr. Weinberger leaps into the "What Would Jesus Drive?" debate with his own list of similarly outrageous and inappropriate questions to pose the Son.

Here's David's list, with my first stab at the answers. Sure you can do better...

Top Ten Questions Not to Ask Jesus:

1. How many clowns would have to come out of the car before Jesus would say "How the heck do they do that?"
None – he would already know both the number in the car, their secret clown names, how the heck they did it – and why.

2. Can we assume that Jesus' favorite Beatle is the one that dies last?
Probably. Which would seem to point to Ringo as most likely ‘Beatles Survivor’ in this case. The other bloke has a songwriting credit on Jesus’ least favourite track: “Hey Jude”

3. If Jesus were still a carpenter, would He measure twice and cut once or just go ahead and cut?
A: He’d just go ahead and cut. Not only that – he’d just go ahead and assemble the Ikea bookshelves without even glancing at the instructions.

4, How long could Jesus stay married to JLo?
A: I give him 9 months – tops. I mean, he may be the Son of God and everything, but no one can handle that kind of punishment for long...

5. If Jesus were dieting, would he cheat on his birthday?
A: Hmmm...I figure he’d go for blow out on the turkey, but politely decline the third round of After Eight mints.

6. Who would be Jesus' favorite post-WWII US president (besides Jimmy Carter, of course)?
A: Josiah Bartlett. All the rest have demonstrated various degrees of scumbaggery. And Bartlett gave “Dad” a really good ass-kicking in the episode where they buried Mrs. Landingham. I’m sure that scored major points with Junior...

7. If Jesus were gay — not that He is, of course. I'm just asking if — which of the N'Sync guys would He find the hottest?
A: If he were, which we’re not suggesting here for a minute, of course, I’m sure the answer would be none of them. Gay Jesus would favour a real man over one of those peroxide nances, any day.

8. If Jesus and Superman fought, who would win?
A: Superman, who would later succumb to crushing remorse at having conquered the Son of God and would vow to devote the rest of his days to even-more-than-usually charitable endeavours. Jesus would bounce back with a 'fooled ya' look on his face and punch Superman playfully on the shoulder.

9. What would Jesus choose as His PIN?
A: Duh-uh. 4674 (I.N.R.I)

10. Mac or Linux?
A: Stained Glass Windows™

Getting Angrier

David 'Get Your War On' Rees is getting a lot angrier with every new comic strip. And funnier.

Getting Angrier

David 'Get Your War On' Rees is getting a lot angrier with every new comic strip. And funnier.

Getting Angrier

David 'Get Your War On' Rees is getting a lot angrier with every new comic strip. And funnier.

Getting Angrier

David 'Get Your War On' Rees is getting a lot angrier with every new comic strip. And funnier.

CIA Kids

The CIA has a website devoted to information for kids. Sample:

What is Intelligence?
"This question is not easy to answer and, depending on who you ask, you may get different answers. But most people agree that intelligence is information needed by our nation's leaders, also known as policy makers, to keep our country safe.

"Policy makers, like the President, do not have time to read all the other countries' newspapers . . . there are just too many of them. Also, there is information that other countries will not share with the United States, called secrets. All this information is very important to our nation's leaders.

"The intelligence puzzle begins when the President, National Security Council or Cabinet members have questions that need answering. Just as there are different types and sizes of puzzles, there are different categories of intelligence...

"Once a question is asked and we determine what type of "puzzle" it is, we then set out to solve it for the policy maker. The answers to these questions are intelligence."

So I'm thinking - maybe I should set up a website full of CIA counter-intelligence, also aimed at kids, to balance the disturbing effect of the bland, smiley, nefarious weaselage on this site.

For example, their version:

"Our Mission
"When people think of the CIA, they think of people lurking around in trenchcoats, sending messages in code, and using cool tools to do their job."

My version:

Our Mission
When right-thinking people think of the CIA, they think of the terrifying stony insolence of a government-funded agency that blithely trades big nasty guns for favours with known terrorists and dictatorships the world over. That Felix Leiter was a pussy.

Their version:

"We give accurate and timely intelligence (or information) on foreign threats to our security."

My version:

We will run guns, trade drugs, stir up revolt, assassinate heads of state, lie, cheat, steal, and kill to achieve our President's mandate. On really good days - we get to do all of these at the same time.

Their version:

"Fly high on intelligence, NOT drugs..."

My version:

Er...well actually, that's one's pretty funny without any added snarkiness from me. Carry on...

CIA Kids

The CIA has a website devoted to information for kids. Sample:

What is Intelligence?
"This question is not easy to answer and, depending on who you ask, you may get different answers. But most people agree that intelligence is information needed by our nation's leaders, also known as policy makers, to keep our country safe.

"Policy makers, like the President, do not have time to read all the other countries' newspapers . . . there are just too many of them. Also, there is information that other countries will not share with the United States, called secrets. All this information is very important to our nation's leaders.

"The intelligence puzzle begins when the President, National Security Council or Cabinet members have questions that need answering. Just as there are different types and sizes of puzzles, there are different categories of intelligence...

"Once a question is asked and we determine what type of "puzzle" it is, we then set out to solve it for the policy maker. The answers to these questions are intelligence."

So I'm thinking - maybe I should set up a website full of CIA counter-intelligence, also aimed at kids, to balance the disturbing effect of the bland, smiley, nefarious weaselage on this site.

For example, their version:

"Our Mission
"When people think of the CIA, they think of people lurking around in trenchcoats, sending messages in code, and using cool tools to do their job."

My version:

Our Mission
When right-thinking people think of the CIA, they think of the terrifying stony insolence of a government-funded agency that blithely trades big nasty guns for favours with known terrorists and dictatorships the world over. That Felix Leiter was a pussy.

Their version:

"We give accurate and timely intelligence (or information) on foreign threats to our security."

My version:

We will run guns, trade drugs, stir up revolt, assassinate heads of state, lie, cheat, steal, and kill to achieve our President's mandate. On really good days - we get to do all of these at the same time.

Their version:

"Fly high on intelligence, NOT drugs..."

My version:

Er...well actually, that's one's pretty funny without any added snarkiness from me. Carry on...

CIA Kids

The CIA has a website devoted to information for kids. Sample:

What is Intelligence?
"This question is not easy to answer and, depending on who you ask, you may get different answers. But most people agree that intelligence is information needed by our nation's leaders, also known as policy makers, to keep our country safe.

"Policy makers, like the President, do not have time to read all the other countries' newspapers . . . there are just too many of them. Also, there is information that other countries will not share with the United States, called secrets. All this information is very important to our nation's leaders.

"The intelligence puzzle begins when the President, National Security Council or Cabinet members have questions that need answering. Just as there are different types and sizes of puzzles, there are different categories of intelligence...

"Once a question is asked and we determine what type of "puzzle" it is, we then set out to solve it for the policy maker. The answers to these questions are intelligence."

So I'm thinking - maybe I should set up a website full of CIA counter-intelligence, also aimed at kids, to balance the disturbing effect of the bland, smiley, nefarious weaselage on this site.

For example, their version:

"Our Mission
"When people think of the CIA, they think of people lurking around in trenchcoats, sending messages in code, and using cool tools to do their job."

My version:

Our Mission
When right-thinking people think of the CIA, they think of the terrifying stony insolence of a government-funded agency that blithely trades big nasty guns for favours with known terrorists and dictatorships the world over. That Felix Leiter was a pussy.

Their version:

"We give accurate and timely intelligence (or information) on foreign threats to our security."

My version:

We will run guns, trade drugs, stir up revolt, assassinate heads of state, lie, cheat, steal, and kill to achieve our President's mandate. On really good days - we get to do all of these at the same time.

Their version:

"Fly high on intelligence, NOT drugs..."

My version:

Er...well actually, that's one's pretty funny without any added snarkiness from me. Carry on...

CIA Kids

The CIA has a website devoted to information for kids. Sample:

What is Intelligence?
"This question is not easy to answer and, depending on who you ask, you may get different answers. But most people agree that intelligence is information needed by our nation's leaders, also known as policy makers, to keep our country safe.

"Policy makers, like the President, do not have time to read all the other countries' newspapers . . . there are just too many of them. Also, there is information that other countries will not share with the United States, called secrets. All this information is very important to our nation's leaders.

"The intelligence puzzle begins when the President, National Security Council or Cabinet members have questions that need answering. Just as there are different types and sizes of puzzles, there are different categories of intelligence...

"Once a question is asked and we determine what type of "puzzle" it is, we then set out to solve it for the policy maker. The answers to these questions are intelligence."

So I'm thinking - maybe I should set up a website full of CIA counter-intelligence, also aimed at kids, to balance the disturbing effect of the bland, smiley, nefarious weaselage on this site.

For example, their version:

"Our Mission
"When people think of the CIA, they think of people lurking around in trenchcoats, sending messages in code, and using cool tools to do their job."

My version:

Our Mission
When right-thinking people think of the CIA, they think of the terrifying stony insolence of a government-funded agency that blithely trades big nasty guns for favours with known terrorists and dictatorships the world over. That Felix Leiter was a pussy.

Their version:

"We give accurate and timely intelligence (or information) on foreign threats to our security."

My version:

We will run guns, trade drugs, stir up revolt, assassinate heads of state, lie, cheat, steal, and kill to achieve our President's mandate. On really good days - we get to do all of these at the same time.

Their version:

"Fly high on intelligence, NOT drugs..."

My version:

Er...well actually, that's one's pretty funny without any added snarkiness from me. Carry on...

Busy baby busy

Lots to do to get ready for imminent arrival of baby #3. Nothing to see here right now. In lieu of any half-decent postings, the management would like to direct your attention to the following content of note:

1. If you want a lesson in how those irritating pop up ads might actually be put to good use by a clued-up company (In case it doesn't work on your browser for any reason, the pop up is here). That's how to handle a recall.

2. If you want to fritter away an hour or two in aimless tomfoolery. (Caution: this is much more fun than it looks - and remarkably addictive).

3. If you want to scare your own bollocks off through the simple power of the written word.

That's all. Move along now....

Busy baby busy

Lots to do to get ready for imminent arrival of baby #3. Nothing to see here right now. In lieu of any half-decent postings, the management would like to direct your attention to the following content of note:

1. If you want a lesson in how those irritating pop up ads might actually be put to good use by a clued-up company (In case it doesn't work on your browser for any reason, the pop up is here). That's how to handle a recall.

2. If you want to fritter away an hour or two in aimless tomfoolery. (Caution: this is much more fun than it looks - and remarkably addictive).

3. If you want to scare your own bollocks off through the simple power of the written word.

That's all. Move along now....

Busy baby busy

Lots to do to get ready for imminent arrival of baby #3. Nothing to see here right now. In lieu of any half-decent postings, the management would like to direct your attention to the following content of note:

1. If you want a lesson in how those irritating pop up ads might actually be put to good use by a clued-up company (In case it doesn't work on your browser for any reason, the pop up is here). That's how to handle a recall.

2. If you want to fritter away an hour or two in aimless tomfoolery. (Caution: this is much more fun than it looks - and remarkably addictive).

3. If you want to scare your own bollocks off through the simple power of the written word.

That's all. Move along now....

Busy baby busy

Lots to do to get ready for imminent arrival of baby #3. Nothing to see here right now. In lieu of any half-decent postings, the management would like to direct your attention to the following content of note:

1. If you want a lesson in how those irritating pop up ads might actually be put to good use by a clued-up company (In case it doesn't work on your browser for any reason, the pop up is here). That's how to handle a recall.

2. If you want to fritter away an hour or two in aimless tomfoolery. (Caution: this is much more fun than it looks - and remarkably addictive).

3. If you want to scare your own bollocks off through the simple power of the written word.

That's all. Move along now....